Never an outsider

After a lot of debate and some acquaintance with this certain matter, I have come to a realization…our ancestors knew their stuff. They knew what they were talking about! Really, or why would you think that ancestors all along all kinds of castes, regions and religions said one thing…no mingling with outsiders!! And believe you me, in-breeding doesn’t seem like a big cost when you consider the practicalities of the matter and the headaches of an inter-caste or even (horror of horrors!) inter religion marriage!!

While growing up, I had huge faith in the liberal point of view. I mean, what does caste and creed matter when two people are in love? That point of view was held until very recent times, when being personally involved in one such event has changed my ideas forever (just as am not in the same category of hard core feminists as I was back in those oh-I-know-it-all teenage days).

The thing about India, that makes it both interesting and at times exasperating, is that if you are from different regions of the country, you might as well be from a different planet when it comes to traditions and all that blah. In laws and outlaws are always at cross paths, and enter this volatile mix of ego and tradition and custom and culture, and boy do you have a war at your hands. And unless one side happens to be like those timid people from ‘My Big Fat Greek Wedding’ (anyone see that movie? Remember Ian’s scared looking parents?), the arguments going back and forth would be something like – Ladke wale (Groom’s family) “Well as per our customs, the girl has to cook for a thousand pundits, and do so while standing on one foot all the while”. Ladki wale (Bride’s family) “Well as per our customs, the groom has to dance around the fire on a full moon, with grease paint on his body…”

And so, on and on it goes, till everyone is crazy with confusion, and the only people laughing (to the bank that is) are the tentwalah’s and the florists and the caterers who will be changed at the drop of the hat as the wishes of the ‘for the moment influential party’ change and more money is sunk into last minute arrangement and cancelled arrangements. And in all this tamasha (game/entertainment), the poor blokes getting married get totally sidelined. It is more like everyone else planning for the most important day of their lives and they not having any say in it!

Why am I writing this here? Do I harbor anti inter caste sentiments? No, not really. But something made me realize how hard it is to forge such bonds. And I wanted to present this side of the coin, an argument no one ever talks about, maybe because of lack of personal involvement. In our society marriages are considered a relation binding not only the man and the woman, but something that binds families together, turning strangers into close family. Something that is easier done under normal circumstances becomes way harder when involving varied backgrounds, especially for a society that thrives on customs and traditions. After all where would the common ground stem from except for the children if they don’t follow our traditions and we don’t follow theirs, when they even eat food that is so different from ours?

So, if you are in love, and want to get hitched, just keep in mind that its not smooth sail forever and there is nothing like happily ever after. Such differences might not matter to you, what with the glow of love sweet love, but they would matter to your parents, and if you are like most, you would want to do what would make them happy. The only problem is, the situation does not resolve itself after making the marriage arrangements a big confusion, they would creep into every aspect of your life right from how to do the diwali puja (if you other half even celebrates diwali!) to what to name your kids. So my final take on this is, marry anyone you want, just be sure that if it’s a person not from your caste/religion, that your folks are actually more excited about the idea than you are (oh Goody! we could learn so much about their culture and enhance our know how!) or be ready for a constant tug of war.

FD